Normally this time of the year I was working my 7 am – 2:30 pm job and I was waiting for the weekend to go to the nearest beach and enjoy the sun. I remember getting so excited when I found the sweetest watermelon and my nights where full of summer loves and summer dreams. Why is it sometimes so difficult to move on even if you left that chapter behind you? I think people are just afraid. Cause no matter how exciting the future may look there will be always a smell, a sound a thought that will keep us back.
Do you know what I missed more? I missed the mornings I had to wake up to go to work. My dog jumped on the bed, gave me my good morning kiss and we laid there for a couple of minutes. Then I stand up, went to the bathroom and as I did my ”thing” he put his hands over me and stretched. I find this picture so liberated, romantic and full of love!
“There is no means of testing which decision is better, because there is no basis for comparison. We live everything as it comes, without warning, like an actor going on cold. And what can life be worth if the first rehearsal for life is life itself? That is why life is always like a sketch. No, “sketch” is not quite a word, because a sketch is an outline of something, the groundwork for a picture, whereas the sketch that is our life is a sketch for nothing, an outline with no picture.” Milan Kundera ( The Unbearable Lightness Of Being )
So, I close my eyes and I recall this memory over and over again, for billion times, crying at the end. At this point I can even tell if my decision was right, if I will have a bright future or a life full of misery. I doubt both! The first because I don’t believe in a bright future but in a breathtaking life. And the second… well, I would never let myself dive into misery even if I were the most miserable person on earth, I would pretend being happy just to be happy.
What I noticed is that life has its magic. The moment you are one step before ”death” the rainbow comes out. Something small, something meaningful may happen and the elevator starts working again. Apparently, when you are at the ground floor there is only the way up.
If you ask me, I may be the most depressed human being on earth. Coming from a very strict family and raised with millions of unreasonable stereotypes and ”have to’s” my day is a constant survival of collapsing. But I feel happy. I made peace with that and realized that my depression will be my life partner ( at least I won’t be alone ). They say it is all in your mind, so I forced myself to smile, laugh, appreciate, respect and be thankful.
And I did it. And life is easier now. And when I hear that voice that is ready to mess my day I shut it down. I play my favorite song and get lost in the music, I may recall my favorite dog memory but it will make me smile, I will get up and continue my day…
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